With all the flak being directed at talk radio host Don Imus for the way he referred to the losing Rutgers University women's basketball team as nappy headed hos, it seems inevitable that the following idea flashed into my mind during lunch on Wednesday. It grew as the day wore on. Then I wrote out the story on scratch paper during the bus trip home from work.
This is one of those quickie short stories Ellie Dauber likes to call gargoyles.
Just imagine, if you will, who it is other than rap singers who uses the word 'ho' endlessly...
Ho? Ho, ho, ho! by Steve Zink
"Whoa!"
They were only a few minutes into the annual night's festive task. As the team alit on the sole rooftop in the middle of the bayou, Rudolph turned and asked the big guy, "Here? You've GOT to be kidding!"
"I know we never stopped here before. Marie Lebeau has never been anything other than a very bad girl, even more so as an adult Voodoo witch. But to my surprise, her daughter Jeanette has been a good little girl all year." He hopped off the sled, grabbed the big red bag to sling it over his shoulder, then stepped over to the chimney and did his magical thing. The reindeer saw the big guy disappear, as usual.
He reappeared outside the fireplace, next to a Christmas tree all lit up next to it. There were already a number of gaily wrapped gifts around its base, none showing any evidence of being generated by the resident witch's magic. "Ho, ho, ho!" Santa proclaimed as he reached into his big bag to add the even more gaudily wrapped Bratz doll for Jeanette.
Then suddenly came a shock to the big guy. Usually it was Santa who surprised the residents, but in this case Marie must have been using some of her own magic to hide her presence as she appeared to make him gasp. "Who you callin' a ho, you bloated white bastard?" the very dark skinned and hauntingly good looking Creole witch asked as she came around the corner from her kitchen. Since she'd been such a bad witch all her life, Marie had never before heard Santa's usual greeting. "Since you wanna call me a ho so much, even three times over, let's see how you like being called a three-way ho." She snapped her fingers, and the big guy disappeared again.
* * *
Those cruising the streets of New Orleans' in working condition following the extended cleanup after Katrina who happened to be looking for a Christmas Eve blow job or piece of ass or one of any number of other things a person could pay a girl to do were treated to a new sight. A stunningly gorgeous looking twenty-four-year-old black woman with long and sleek black hair they'd never seen before was beckoning all who could hear. Dressed as she was in a black leather ultra daring miniskirt, a shiny black spandex tube top that barely held in her huge tits and an unzipped black leather jacket, she had her feet encased in knee high black leather boots laced tightly to her shapely calves. The easily called fuck me heels of her boots added six inches to her already imposing height. "Naughty or nice, choose your spice. I'm Sandra the three-way ho, show da money and I go!"
"Hey there, ho! Over here," came from a nearby blue Mustang. Sandra heard that or something similar from both male and female voices a lot as her night went on. She was a very busy girl...er, ho!
* * *
Meanwhile, back at Marie's place in the bayou, a big red bag was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree. She looked inside, and beheld the magic of Santa. Nothing could be seen in the bag itself but the box with the tag saying 'Merry Christmas, Jeanette, from Santa'. Sitting on the elves' table tops, however, were what appeared to be zillions of wrapped gifts. There were still elves racing about adding even more to the stacks. "So that's how he does it. Now that's something I hadn't thought of," she remarked. "I can't let all those kids around the world go without getting their presents this year." She placed Jeanette's new gift under the tree amongst all the ones she'd placed there earlier in the evening. Then the powerful witch wrote a note to her daughter:
Dear Jeanette,
If I'm not back by the time you wake up, go ahead and get started on your gifts. I'm on a special errand and I hope I'll be back to help you.
Mommy
Then Marie clicked her fingers and her tan blouse, brown slacks and black walking shoes disappeared, to be replaced by a much sexier Santa suit that hugged her figure. There were no pants, just the sinfully short red shorts which her white fur trimmed red coat came a bit below. She'd considered thigh high red boots, but knee high ones would look more classy and at the same time show off more of her curvy coffee colored legs. Just to show off, she had the same stiletto heels as on Sandra's boots, but in red of course. She used her own magic to pick up the big red bag and go back up onto the roof.
"Uh, Santa?" Dancer asked when the much differently shaped figure in red appeared.
"Santa's getting a little lesson in manners, Dancer," Marie replied. "I'm going to fill in for tonight. Let's get this show on the road, so Santa can rejoin you to go back home up at the North Pole."
The reindeer were more than a bit surprised to see how 'good' the bad witch did in filling in for the big guy. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa and a number of other greetings were used instead of the more usually heard expression. When they got finished still long before daybreak at the International Date Line, Marie was given a tour of the now empty halls full of work tables with idle elves sitting at them. She even got to see and talk with Mrs. Claus, to let her know why she was there instead of her husband. The only witness to the magic Marie did for Mrs. Claus was Donner who had been trailing her. "Don't you dare tell anyone else until she gets to see Santa later, Donner."
"Who, me? I know nothing."
"Don't quote Sgt. Schultz to me, I'm a lot older than I look."
The reindeer just grinned.
When her tour was finished, Marie made all present gasp when she said, "Ho, ho, ho!" and Sandra appeared with black gloves covering her arms and her jacket over her left arm. "Did you enjoy being called a ho all night by both guys and gals?"
Even though she now knew who she really was, Sandra told her, "Why, yes, I most certainly did! I must confess that I found female partners to be much more fun than male ones. But I also know now how demeaning that name is. To quote a certain raven, never more!"
"Good! Now I can change you back and then get home to Jeanette."
"Ah, one moment please. I'm sure you've made note of our ability to mess with time, so there's no hurry to get home. I've come to enjoy very much being Sandra. Let's just trade outfits, then you can be on your way."
Marie nodded, as if she'd already known. "I'm glad you enjoy being the new you, Sandra. But I've got my own clothes, thank you." She snapped her fingers, to reappear in her tan blouse and brown slacks with black walking shoes. She lost a lot of height in the process! The sexy Santa suit was folded in a pile with the boots next to it. "That will fit you and your much bigger chest now, Sandra. Is it going to be Sandra Claus now?"
"No, no, no! While I'm now Sandra Klause, I'll still be Santa Claus, I'll just have a new look."
"Well, some folks got a first look tonight," Marie told her.
Sandra walked closer to Marie and grasped her hands in her gloved hands, then said, "Marie, I'm betting you don't listen to rap music, and I know Jeanette isn't old enough to listen to any of it yet. Give it a sampling, and then give each and every singer who uses ho in his songs a sample of what I did this evening."
"I'll do that, thanks for the tip. Now, stay looking like a bad girl in black and go give Mrs. Claus a thrill!" She snapped her fingers, and got to the bayou long before Jeanette woke up.
"Ha!" Sandra said as she pulled the coiled black whip out of her jacket's pocket. "Think I'll give her a heart attack, Donner?"
"Oh, that I doubt, Sandra," the reindeer answered slyly. He wasn't about to let Sandra know that Marie had foretold the way she'd want to stay that way, and then given Mrs. Claus a new lease on life as a young lady Sandra's age. Sandra was the one who'd get a heart attack when she went to see Mrs. Claus in a shiny black catsuit with a corset on the outside making her waist look like a wasp's, ballet heeled black thigh high boots, shoulder length black gloves and a sinful ebony dominatrix mask.
The elves had a much more interesting time in the process of their labors with two commanding dominants watching over them.
Just before the delivery trip next Christmas, Rudolph nudged Sandra and said, "Hey, we can't call you big guy anymore. What shall we call you from now on?"
"Oh, I think Mistress Sandra will do just fine."
Things became a bit different between Christmases at the North Pole with a lesbian couple, and in following Christmases, a number of very bad girls around the world were shocked to find extra special gifts from Santa under their trees. Santa herself wasn't seen very often, so the public still thought of Santa as the red garbed old guy thanks to mall Santas who just didn't know any better. But Sandra figured she'd have to let everyone know sooner or later.
Needless to say, the ranks of street walkers swelled considerably early in the new year.
The end
