This story is dedicated to Anne_Mal, who leads the task force of FM volunteers. Without her hard work, Fictionmania would not exist. Also, a big thank you, as always, to my editor Steve Zink. I also allowed Steve to write a small part for himself in this story as a way of saying thanks for all his help. Also a note of thanks to Amy K, who gave me some assistance. Daniella J
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An unknown source has leaked a transcript of a meeting of Fictionmania authors and volunteers. Below are the minutes of the meeting.
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"I call this meeting of the Fictionmania task force to order," Anne_Mal said, pounding a gavel on the circular table. There were fifteen FM authors and volunteers seated around the table, plus a large German Shepherd that belonged to one of the volunteers. The people in the room continued to talk.
"Order, order!" Anne_Mal said in a louder voice.
"Did someone say Order?" asked a short mustached man wearing a tuxedo.
"No, Fritz, we don't need any food or refreshments yet," Anne_Mal replied.
"As you wish." Fritz Feld used his thumb to make a clucking sound with his mouth, and left the room. While this was going on, a blonde curly haired man wearing a trench coat chased a scantily clad woman through the room, then exited.
"Anne, you know the circus is next door," Paul1954 remarked.
"Yes, I do," Anne_Mal answered, thinking that the circus was inside this room, also. "Now, can everyone please settle down so we can hear Shalimar's report on the recent hyperboard commotion?"
All activity ceased immediately, and every face turned, riveted to that of Shalimar.
"As you all know, there have been many disturbing or off topic posts to the hyperboard," Shalimar stated, mentioning some of the posts and how they were deleted. Order then immediately ceased to exist once again.
"Yes, it's getting totally out of hand," Mindy brought up, mentioning the posts she helped delete.
"People have a right to speak what they think," Joan B commented.
"Not really, this is meant to be a forum to discuss TG fiction," Mindy replied, "not make personal attacks. Nor are any of those anti-Semitic comments appropriate."
"What we are here to do is discuss possible solutions," Anne_Mal said. "Anyone?"
No one spoke up, but a creature looking like a coyote raised his hand.
"Yes?" Anne_Mal said. "What do you have to offer?"
The coyote ran out of the room, then reentered. He was now carrying a box clearly labeled Acme TNT. The coyote carefully stacked the TNT, then attached wires. After this, the coyote ran back to where a plunger was situated, and attached the other ends of the wires. Unbeknownst to the coyote, a large colored bird was standing nearby. Just as the coyote started to push the plunger...
"Beep, Beep!" the roadrunner said, startling the coyote, who landed on his own dynamite. An explosion followed. The roadrunner dashed from the room.
"Don't call us, we'll call you," Anne_Mal said, as the debris from the blast continued to settle in the room. "Anyone else?"
"Never fear, Maxwell Smart is here," said agent 86.
"What makes you qualified for the job?" Anne_Mal asked.
"During the Gulf War, I rounded up an entire Iraqi tank corps single-handed," said Smart.
"I find that hard to believe," FM author Elaine mentioned in disbelief.
"Would you believe, a division of infantry?" Smart asked, Elaine still looking at him in disbelief. "How about, a half blind Bedouin and his camel?"
While this was going on, the girl and the blonde-haired man came running through the room again. FM author Jennifer Adams had just enough time to hand some medallion to the girl before she ran out again. "I hope you find that useful," Jennifer said, as they departed the room.
"Now, Mr. Smart, our problem is computer related," said Mindy. "Have you had any experience in that area?"
"Of course I have," Maxwell Smart answered, looking indignant. Mindy led him over to the computer where the FM servers were located. Smart immediately started typing away at the keyboard. After about sixty seconds of typing, the screen went blank.
"Don't tell me," Agent 86 said.
"The server for FM just crashed," Mindy said, looking disgusted.
"I told you not to tell me that!" Agent 86 replied.
"Don't call us, we'll call you," Anne_Mal said, exasperated. "Next!"
Before anyone could speak up, a large group of men and women entered the room and started singing and dancing.
"The heat is on in Saigon. The girls are hotter than hell. One of these slits will be Miss Saigon..." the male actors were singing.
"What in the name of God is going on here?" Anne_Mal said, trying to be heard above the commotion.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you," Melissa Virus replied. "A local theater group was having rehearsals today. I forgot."
"You forgot?" said Bill Hart. Melissa Virus just shrugged her shoulders, and tried to look innocent.
"Never fear, Smith is here," said a gray haired gentleman around fifty years old, accompanied by an obese robot.
"Next!" Anne_Mal screamed, not waiting to hear their solution.
Dr. Smith started out of the room, but the robot was remaining behind.
"Come along, you bubble-headed booby!" Dr. Smith said, as he came back to drag the robot from the room.
All the while, the robot was waving its arms and proclaiming, "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"
The scantily clad girl came running through the room again, followed by the blonde-haired man. Before exiting, she dropped the medallion off with Jennifer Adams, saying, "Thank you!" and continued to run from the room.
A bald man in a motorized wheelchair entered the room. He was stroking a white cat. "I can solve your problems," he said. "We have ways of dealing with these troublemakers where I come from."
The German Shepherd looked up from her spot. She could smell the cat. The dog immediately got up and bounded for the cat. In panic, the cat pushed on the gas button for the wheelchair and the cat, bald man and German Shepherd made a quick exit from the room.
'Any other bright ideas?' Anne_Mal thought to herself, then noticed that the windows to the meeting room were being opened from the outside. Very soon, two caped crusaders leaped into the room.
"Holy TG authors, Batman!" Robin said.
On the other side of the room, two paramedics entered through the main doors, with a man on a gurney.
"Thirty-year-old male, multiple GSWs to the chest," said the male paramedic, as a red-headed doctor with a cane followed the paramedics along.
"Jerrrrrry, call Dr. Benton for a surgical consult, stat!" screeched Dr. Weaver, as they continued to another part of the meeting room.
"Yes, Dr. Weaver," Jerry replied.
Anne_Mal just shook her head in befuddlement, wondering what else would happen. Then the circus performer reappeared again, running through the room. This time, the man who was pursuing her looked very odd, like he was growing.
"Sorry for the interruption, Batman," Anne_Mal said.
"No problem at all," Batman replied. "May we be of some assistance?"
"Thank you, Batman and Robin, for coming," said Steve Zink. He explained how he was the one who summoned the caped crusaders. He then began to give Batman a synopsis of the troubles Fictionmania was having.
"I think this calls for the Batcomputer," Batman said. "Robin, to the Batcave!" Batman and Robin turned to leave the room, but some other unexpected guests spoke up.
"Not so fast, Caped Crusaders!" Catwoman said. Behind her were four men in striped uniforms. "Sam, Felix, Spike, Morris, get them!" Almost instantly, a fight broke out between the Caped Crusaders and Catwoman's henchmen. Another three henchmen climbed in through the window to join the fight, while coming out of nowhere, Batgirl swung into the room on a rope.
Most of the Fictionmania authors and volunteers wisely ducked underneath the table. But Steve Zink got up and joined in the fights. "I always wanted to do this!" SteveZ said, as he punched Morris.
Pop!
************
Freeze.
The whole room froze in mid-action, and a faceless person walked onto the stage and addressed the author.
"What do you call this?" the man asked.
"A story," the author replied.
"Story?" the faceless person said with a laugh. "This is a joke. This is supposed to be TG fiction. Where is the sex, makeup and transformation?"
"Well, I thought I'd try something different. Too many TG stories fall into the same old cliches. Take five pages of sex, three pages of transformation, three pages of makeup, pour into a saucepan. Wallah! You have a story. I find that kind of story and writing boring quickly."
"I like those kind of stories," the faceless person said. "Especially the sex part."
"Well, I don't. Besides, this is my story. If I want to add the cast of 'F troop', The Muppets Swedish Chef, 'Godzilla' and a couple of caribou, it's my right!" the author replied. "If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. But just to give you the pleasure of a few transformations, I'll replay that last bit with a couple of changes. Now, back to the action!"
Unfreeze.
********
The action started again, but from an earlier perspective...
'Any other bright ideas?' Anne_Mal thought to herself, then noticed that the windows to the meeting room were being opened from the outside. Very soon, two caped crusaders leaped into the room.
"Holy TG authors, Batman!" Robin said, eyeing in particular two authors sitting side by side at the table, Eddie Glover and Steve Zink. "Haven't you two turned me into-" he started, but got cut off.
On the other side of the room, two paramedics entered through the main doors, with a man on a gurney.
"Thirty-year-old male, multiple GSWs to the chest," said the male paramedic, as a red-headed doctor with a cane followed the paramedics along.
"Jerrrrrry, call Dr. Benton for a surgical consult, stat!" screeched Dr. Weaver, as they continued to another part of the meeting room.
"Yes, Dr. Weaver," Jerry replied.
Anne_Mal just shook her head in befuddlement, wondering what else would happen. Then the circus performer reappeared again, running through the room. This time, the man who was pursuing her looked very odd, like he was growing.
"Sorry for the interruption, Batman," Anne_Mal said.
"No problem at all," Batman replied. "May we be of some assistance?"
"Thank you, Batman and Robin, for coming," said Steve Zink. He explained how he was the one who summoned the caped crusaders. He then began to give Batman a synopsis of the troubles Fictionmania was having.
"I think this calls for the Batcomputer," Batman said. "Robin, to the Batcave!" Batman and Robin turned to leave the room, but some other unexpected guests spoke up.
"Not so fast, Caped Crusaders!" Catwoman said. Behind her were four men in striped uniforms. "Sam, Felix, Spike, Morris, get them!"
Almost instantly, a fight broke out between the Caped Crusaders and Catwoman and her henchmen. Morpheus noted that both SteveZ and Eddie slipped away from the table at that moment. 'What cowards,' he thought.
A few minutes later, another three henchmen climbed in through the window to join the fight, while coming out of nowhere, Batgirl swung into the room on a rope. At almost the exact same instant, Wonder Woman soared in through a third window.
Most of the Fictionmania authors and volunteers wisely ducked underneath the table. But Morpheus got up and joined in the fights. "I always wanted to do this!" he said, as he punched Morris.
Pop!
At one point during the fracas, Batgirl found herself back to back with the voluptuous Amazon heroine. "Say, Diana," Batgirl said, "you seem to have a rack more like a friend of mi...like one of these TG authors got when he became Wondrous Woman in a story a while back, than what you had on the TV show or even in the comics. What gives?"
"Wait a minute, Batgirl...how would you know about that NMF story, huh? I don't happen to see SteveZ anywhere around or under the table. Since you seem to know that I'm really Eddie, come clean. Are you somehow SteveZ?"
"Ssshhhh, not so loud, WONDER WOMAN! I snuck away from the table when I saw Catwoman storm in, and used the Ring of Radamanthus that DebbieL gave me while I was Lois Lane in that Revenge of the Real Girls adventure to turn myself into Batgirl. I rigged my Bat line to a lug just above the window and swung in."
"So that's where you went! I saw you slipping away as I was getting back to Elrod's MAU. He was under the table, and couldn't see as I used it to become a real live version of my own Wondrous Woman, then snuck out so I could fly in through the window. I just better make sure I get back into that thing before things settle down too much and EddieG's absence gets noticed. See you later, in one form or the other, BATGIRL!"
The two heroines became separated then, with Batgirl doing her best to mimic the graceful fighting abilities that Yvonne Craig had used in the TV show. Wonder...Wondrous Woman used her superior Amazon strength and stamina to make all the villains she met regret doing so.
The faceless person saw these two heroines in action, but had no way of knowing that his wish had been granted. While transfixed on the tremendous boobs on who he thought was Wonder Woman, he got broadsided by one of Catwoman's henchmen, and knocked out cold. With fighting all around, Dr. Jing-Mei Chen, and nurses Malik and Lily raced up on scene and began treating the faceless person.
"We need a portable chest and C-spine," Dr. Chen said, trying to avoid getting blind sided herself. Soon they had the faceless person on a gurney, and had him moved out of the line of fire.
While this was going on, Anne_Mal was still seated in her chair watching the mayhem going on in her meeting room when one of the henchmen suddenly landed in her lap.
Splat!
"Ahhhhhhh!" Anne_Mal screeched, till Danielle J reached up and pulled her below the table.
"Thanks, Danielle," said Anne_Mal. Then the girl appeared again, running through the men. But the man pursuing her, well...wasn't a man anymore. What the heck was happening to him?
"Jennifer, what have you done?" Anne_Mal asked.
"I just loaned her the medallion," Jennifer explained.
Morpheus saw something wrapped around the medallion, and asked Jennifer to see it. She handed it to him, and he quickly examined it. "This is a neckerchief," Morpheus said, pointing to what was wrapped around the medallion. "It belongs to someone named Betsy. Who is Betsy?"
Melissa Virus spoke up. "Betsy is one of the elephants at the circus."
"An elephant?" Anne_Mal said in shock.
"Yeah, and she was just in the news recently," Melissa Virus explained. "Betsy was one of the trained elephants that performed in the circus. They just found out Betsy is pregnant."
"Oh, God," Anne_Mal groaned.
"Yeah, and elephants have a gestation period of two years," Danielle J remarked, thinking that a man would not be too happy being turned into a pregnant circus elephant for the next two years.
Above the table, the fighting was still going on. By this time, King Tut, Penguin and Egghead, along with more henchmen, had shown up. The Caped Crusaders appeared badly outnumbered, even with the extra help they were getting from Batgirl and Wondrous Woman.
"Banzai!" yelled Amy K, as she led a group of Japanese ninjas into the room. They immediately joined in the fighting.
In a corner of the room, Elrod had made his way to a large gray box which he had no of knowing had been used only a few minutes earlier. He placed his hand onto a similarly shaped panel on its side, and made an image appear on the display of the control panel, then stepped aside.
Batgirl, with a high leg kick, knocked Morris out on the ground near Elrod. Elrod helped Morris up, and edged him over to a door which appeared on the box. Morris was shoved in, and Elrod watched as the door disappeared and then reappeared. Out of the box walked a female orange tabby. The cat appeared dazed or confused.
"Nice kitty," Elrod said, scratching the cat's ears as he turned to watch the melee. Then he figured Anne_Mal might want to adopt a stray kitty, and made his way to her spot under the table.
A sound of a bugle playing charge could be heard. The men of F Troop had arrived, led by Sergeant O'Rourke. Reinforcements had arrived.
"I love you, you love me.." Barney the dinosaur sang, as he led three children through the room, despite the damage. One of Egghead's henchmen punched out Barney, laying him out flat on the floor. The three children started to scream, till Superman flew down and whisked them to some seats in the balcony.
"Thank you, Superman," the three children said. Superman saluted them, and flew back down into the battle.
"I always hated that Barney," Eric said. Then he came up with a brilliant idea, motioning to Bashful and The Professor to help him. They left their sanctuary beneath the table and ran to where Barney was. They immediately began to drag Barney across to the MAU machine. With a great deal of effort, they stuffed Barney inside the machine. The Professor set the controls. A few moments later, the door disappeared and reappeared. The Professor took a small Barney doll out of the booth.
"Why couldn't someone do this eons ago?" The Professor said, as along with Danielle and Melissa Virus they ran back to their spot of safety.
"Peanuts!" yelled a vendor who was walking through the room, seemingly unfazed by the chaos around him. "Get your peanuts here!"
Wondrous Woman took advantage of the attention he got to slip back to the MAU. She placed her hand on the display to make a picture of Eddie show up, then got back in. When the door reappeared and opened, mild mannered TG author Eddie Glover walked out. He immediately placed his hand back on the display to make the Barney doll image reappear; no evidence of his use would be found. He wasn't totally unseen, however.
Two old geezers were watching the spectacle from box seats up above.
"This is the most fun I've had since that Muppet show was canceled," Waldorf said to Statler.
"Wilder than a truck full of kangaroos!" Statler said with a laugh. Almost like magic, a flatbed truck full of kangaroos pulled up to the auditorium door. In no time, kangaroos were hopping through the stage adding to the chaos. Jerry, the emergency services coordinator, chased after one in a futile attempt to catch it.
"Yeah, and there's no dumb hammy pig to ruin it," Statler remarked with a laugh. Unknown to either, Miss Piggy was standing right behind them.
"Who is calling whom dumb?" Miss Piggy asked, then swung her hand back. "Hiiiiiiiiiyahhhhh!" she yelled, hitting Statler with a karate chop to send him flying from the box.
By now, Superman had flown back into the room after depositing a number of henchmen into a supply closet he turned into a temporary holding cell. He immediately picked up one of King Tut's henchmen, and flew him over to Elrod, who'd gone back to the MAU with now empty hands. "Take care of him for me," Superman said, as he went back to the fighting.
Upstairs in a production booth, the entire spectacle was being commented upon.
"This is Howard Cosell, speaking from the Meeting of the Fictionmania volunteers. Instead of a meeting, we have a scene of complete bedlam."
At one end of the room, a tall bearded man wearing a turban came into the room. Immediately behind him were a group of Marines in hot pursuit. The man was trying to get away from the Marines. But in his haste to get away he did not see Jerry, who was in hot pursuit of a kangaroo. A split second later, all three collided. The kangaroo quickly regained its balance and hopped away. The Marines grabbed the tall man they were pursuing.
"Shazam, Sergeant!! Looky who we got here," Private Gomer Pyle said. "It's that Osama fellow."
Sgt. Carter came running up.
"Pyle!!!! What have you done now?" Sgt. Carter asked, then went big eyed as he recognized who they had captured. The Marines led the man out of the room. All fighting stopped for a moment to applaud the Marines. After they left the room, the fighting began again.
"I wonder how the judges will score that tackle?" Anne_Mal commented.
Five judges in the stand raised placards. They said 5.9, 5.8, 5.5, 5.8, 5.5. The 5.5's were held respectively by a man dressed in black named Boris, and a skunk named Pepe.
"You can never trust those French judges," Anne_Mal said in disgust.
Morpheus escorted another henchman over to Elrod, who put the man inside. Elrod noted the Barney doll in the display, and shook his head while bringing back the image of the kitty; moments later, there was another orange tabby coming out the door.
"Hey, that looks like fun," said Eddie Glover, with a knowing smile on his face, as he walked over to where Elrod was standing. "Can I do the next one?"
"Sure, go ahead," Elrod replied. Eddie G placed his hand on the machine, and reset the image. Soon enough, another henchman fell near the machine. Eddie pushed the guy in. The door disappeared and reappeared.
"What happened to me?" said a blonde with long flowing hair, full lips and GG cup breasts. Eddie just grabbed her by the hand and ran out of the room with her.
*******
Time out for comments from The Author's muse.
"I think its time to wrap this story up."
"I think you're right, but one last thing," The Author replied.
*******
Martha Stewart and Swedish Chef were giving a cooking clinic to the spectators. Next to them stood a moose.
Swedish Chef shared one of his favorite recipes.
"Here's the chocolate, and here's the moose." Then he demonstrated to Martha by pouring chocolate on the moose.
Seeing the fight was not going their way, Catwoman, Penguin, Egghead and the last of their henchmen ran to the window and climbed outside. Batman, Robin, and Superman followed them.
Several henchmen and King Tut were strewn along the stage. Doctors from ER were attending to the injured.
The authors and volunteers started to get up off the floor. Debris was strewn all over the room, as were most of the chairs.
Batgirl was leaning against the table as Anne_Mal came back out from under. "Hey, Anne, watch this," she said.
Anne_Mal heard her mumble something, and instantly Batgirl's image shimmered. When it became solid once again, it was now Catwoman who was facing her. "Meeeoowwwwwrrrr, darling! I just love what I can do with this ring! Now, I guess its time for me to get back into my disguise as that writer who likes to write about me so much."
Catwoman's image blurred, and in milliseconds, Anne_Mal saw SteveZ, grinning broadly. "Gee, that's fun!"
Elrod was standing by the MAU device. Beside him now were four cats, a five-foot tall version of Godzilla, two harem girls and a Geisha girl. Only one of the four cats was male, and he was enjoying humping the three female tabbies.
"Elrod, she was one of my men," Amy K brought up, pointing to the Geisha girl.
"Oops, my mistake," Elrod replied.
"I will be most honored to serve you, Amy-san," said the Geisha girl with a bow. Amy thought maybe she could use her after all, and had the Geisha join the rest of her ninjas, who then exited the room. She was thinking that with proper training, their team might soon have a real live version of the comics heroine, Shi.
The men from F Troop mounted their horses to head back to Fort Courage. All except Private Vanderbilt, who was following Amy and her Ninjas.
"Corporal Agarn, I sure am hungry. I can use some grub when we get back to the fort," Vanderbilt said to a befuddled Ninja. Moments later, Corporal Agarn came riding up on his horse with another in tow. He dismounted from his horse and grabbed Vanderbilt, but not before hitting him with his hat. Then they rode off.
"Let's try to get this meeting back on track," Anne_Mal said, feeling like she needed to lay down, but this meeting was too important.
Amazingly enough, the theater troop was still going on with their rehearsals.
"Sorry, Sergeant, we must accelerate, State Dept. says we must evacuate, the word is we must be out by dawn," one of the actors sang.
Almost instantly, the Lost in Space robot reappeared.
"Danger, Danger!" the robot proclaimed, waving its arms. After the robot came in, others followed. The trapeze artist, the bald man with his cat. Maxwell Smart, The Coyote and Roadrunner. They closed the door behind them.
"We are all doomed," Dr. Smith whined.
"What is going on..." Anne_Mal began to say, and was interuppted by a loud pounding sound from the door.
"It's a mad elephant. It wants to kill us all," Dr. Smith continued to whine. Anne_Mal immediately surmised that the man turned elephant was not too happy with its present condition.
Some of the men in the room tried to barricade the door, but it was apparent the elephant would break in soon. Panic was starting to set in.
"Quick, come here!" yelled a man standing over by a helicopter. Anne_Mal swore there wasn't a helicopter there moments ago. The pilot kept motioning for them to come. Finally the authors, actors, and other people in the room headed to the helicopter. They all started climbing on board.
"Chris, the heart of you is still with me," sang a woman's voice somewhere in the room. One of the Marines ran to find her.
"I wonder how we all fit in this thing?" Anne_Mal said, as she climbed aboard. Moments later, the Marine was back with a teenage Asian girl, and they climbed aboard the helicopter, too.
"I always liked a happy ending," Melissa Virus said, giving the girl a pinch, only to get slapped.
The helicopter was getting ready to take off when the elephant finally broke through the barricades. It started charging at the helicopter. Everyone on board started to scream.
All of a sudden, a mustached man wearing pajamas with a smoking cigar in his mouth started shooting at the elephant. The shotgun was loaded with peanuts. This distracted the elephant enough to allow the man to climb on board. Seconds later, the helicopter lifted off.
"Tonight I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How that elephant got in my pajamas I still don't know," the man said, as the roof to the building opened up allowing the helicopter to fly away. One of the last sights of the auditorium was of the elephant going through a costume trunk. It was wearing pajamas.
"Thank God we made it," Anne_Mal said, with a deep sigh of relief.
"Anne, don't thank God. Thank me," said the Spells R Us Wizard, who was piloting the helicopter off to the sunset.
The End.
