Story © PJB All other copyrights respected (until they go through the vortex!)
The following story contains characters owned by the BBC/Epic. It is written as a fanfic parody story not intended to make any use of actual story lines in published books. The story is purely for fun, with no profit to be made by the author.
For those confused by the young woman and the older man, there was a Cult TV Series in the UK featuring Mary Tamm/Lalla Ward and Tom Baker. (Doctor Who, for the uninformed - your editor). After that, you're on your own! ;-)
Jack Bond was walking down the main shopping street on a visit to his old hometown when he saw, and heard, several shoppers run screaming out of the town's small supermarket. He managed to catch the arm of one as he ran past, and asked what was going on.
"Monsters! Monsters in the store!" the man cried, as he torn his arm free of Jack's grasp and ran, still screaming up the road toward the police station.
'Monsters, how silly,' Jack thought, 'still, might be worth a look, just in case it's something that my department should be aware of. Probably just a publicity stunt, though.'
He approached the now silent store and glanced in the window. Everyone had cleared the area around the stores, and even the adjoining shops had emptied. He pulled his head back and thought about what he had glimpsed. 'Empty aisles, scattered shopping bags, hmmm, at least one turned over set of shelving. Maybe not just a publicity stunt. One more look...oh boy, a young woman (hmm, nice dress) and a man trapped inside and, oh shit! Monsters!'
Again, he pulled his head back and braced himself on the wall beside the open door. He pulled his Beretta pistol from its holster, checked the slide and made sure the safety was off, then dived in through the doorway, rolling until he was hidden by one of the displays.
"Get out, young man, we can handle this!" hissed the man with the ridiculous long scarf. He did look familiar, though.
"What? No, it's all right, I'm with the, err, police," Jack whispered back.
"Hmm, with a gun like that, of course you are!" he returned.
Jack crouch-walked nearer to the strange couple, wow, was she ever beautiful, and familiar, too! 
"What's going on? What on Earth are those creatures? They look like, well, trolls with weird guns!" Jack asked, keeping one eye on the creatures further in the store.
"Actually, they are like nothing on Earth, they're from a distant planet, and are called Ogrons. They're quite stupid and slow, but are killers. Unfortunately, they are too stupid to have gotten here by themselves. It's their masters we're here to deal with. Romana and I, I'm the Doctor, by the way, we are going to..."
Jack interrupted him. "No you're not, this is all a publicity stunt, isn't it? You're Tom Baker, and she's Mary Tamm! I remember now, I used to watch your show as a kid...I thought you'd be taller."
"What? No, I AM the Doctor." He turned to Romana then. "Who's Tom Baker?" he asked, puzzled.
The pretty woman just shrugged her shapely shoulders, then grabbed Jack as he started to stand. "Don't be more stupid than you look; if the Ogron sees you, you'll be dead!" she said.
Just then, a couple of local policemen stepped into the front of the store. "What's goin' on 'ere then?" one said to the group, as the other marched up the store toward the troll-like figures.
"Get down, you fool!" snapped the woman.
"Now, listen 'ere, missie," he started to say, when a scream came from his colleague.
Everyone looked over to see the policeman lit up by an energy beam from the troll's gun. He writhed and screamed for a few moments longer, then seemed to be eaten away from the inside out, and finally disappeared with an audible 'POP'. All that was left of him was the smell of burnt meat in the air.
"Oh, my gawd!" the standing policeman said, as he saw his friend disintegrate just before Romana pulled him down. Jack realized that perhaps this was real, but it couldn't be, could it?
"Come on," the Doctor said, "we need to find where they're coming through."
He and the woman set off for the back of the store, keeping low and at least one aisle between themselves and the Ogrons. Jack paused to show the policeman his ID card; one glimpse of the MI5 logo gave him command of the situation.
"You go get help, seal off the building and tell your Inspector to call Division for armed support. Tell them those things who killed your friend are apparently called Ogrons, but they have bosses. I'm going to back those two up. We MUST find out what is going on!"
"Yes, sir, good luck!" the policeman answered, as he started to crawl out of the store, keeping as low as he could.
Jack set off after the Doctor and his friend, thinking, 'Can't be, HAS to be a stunt, but that plod is definitely dead! There's no faking that, he's dead!'
A grunt ahead of him brought his attention back to the present; an Ogron had come between the aisles ahead of him, behind the Doctor and Romana. He raised his ray gun and aimed at Romana. Jack felt no qualm at shooting the thing in the back; it or one of its fellows had already killed at least one person. He set his Beretta to triburst, aimed and squeezed the trigger. The laser dot appeared just above the neckline, that costume could have been armored, after all. He squeezed harder, and three armor piercing bullets penetrated the skull of the Ogron. It's head slammed forward, and the beast slumped to the floor.
Jack crept forward, checking the cross aisles for others, then joined the Doctor and Romana.
"Did you have to kill it?" the Doctor asked peevishly.
"Well, it was a killer and besides, it was about to shoot you two," Jack replied shortly.
"And what are you, if not a killer, hmmm?" the Doctor replied, and started forward again.
Romana put her hand on Jack's arm; it felt like he had been touched by an electric current. "Thank you for saving my life. You must forgive the Doctor, sometimes he forgets that the universe is a dangerous place, and one MUST kill to stay alive and protect others. He just hopes for the best in everyone, even Ogrons!"
Jack, unusually for him, was tongue tied by the touch of the beautiful woman. 'It can't be real, Mary Tamm must be in her fifties by now, a little older than me; this woman in front of me looks to be about twenty to twenty-five.' He thought.
They continued after the Doctor, through the doors separating the shop from the storage areas. Thankfully, all the Ogrons seemed to be in the main store, not around the area though which they crept. The Doctor signaled, pointing up a flight of stairs. "That way, I'll lead, you next. Romana, you follow what's his name."
"My name's Jack, Jack Bond. Nice to met you, too!" he muttered.
"Shhh!"
The three of them went up the stairs, to see a long empty warehouse stretching ahead of them, whilst to the left, there was a set of doors, all open with light streaming from the middle one. They crept past the first, the female staff toilets; the next looked like it had been the staff canteen before whatever it was happened.
The Doctor slipped past the door, then signaled for Jack to take a look. He did so, gasping in surprise. There was a swirling vortex at the end of the room, where a ramp had been set up. There were two Ogrons next to the vortex, just standing there as if guarding it, but from what or for who, Jack didn't know.
"Hey, what's your name, can you shoot them both quickly enough for the second not to shoot you?"
"It's Jack, my name is Jack Bond, and yes, I should be able to!" he replied.
"Okay, I know you have to kill them, there's just no talking to Ogrons, nor their masters, either. Do it, and quickly. I've a bad feeling about this place," the Doctor instructed.
Jack settled himself into a shooter's stance, bracing his pistol on his left arm, squeezing the trigger to activate the laser sight, then quickly took his first shot. He fired three rounds into the furthest Ogron, again just above the neck, then swiveled smoothly to the nearer, which was staring at its fellow dropping to the ground. Squeezing the trigger again sent another triburst into that one's head, too. Strange, though; although the bullets entered, they should have gone straight through and out, but they didn't.
Jack entered the room. Kneeling by the first Ogron, there was no pulse as far as he could tell, always assuming they had a pulse. Its skin felt like well-cured leather. He looked up. The Doctor and Romana stood ready to enter the vortex.
The Doctor looked down at him. "Well, as much as I dislike involving locals in this sort of thing, you and your gun might come in handy. Are you up for a little trip?" he asked.
"This is an invasion, isn't it? Some sort of extraterrestrial attack?"
"Oh, yes."
"Okay, I'm in. What do we do now?" Lance asked.
"Right, I'll lead, you come next, don't shoot me, but be ready for anything on the other side. Romana, you follow what's his name."
"Jack."
"Okay, Doctor."
The Doctor stepped into the vortex and disappeared. Jack stepped forward, with Romana right behind him. Jack thought, 'Here goes nothing, but if this is real, then my name is...
-------------------------------------------
They exited the vortex at quite a speed. Fortunately, there was nothing there to threaten them, as it was pitch black.
Jack landed heavily, and immediately felt very off balance. Something wasn't right, either with his head or wherever they were. Everything felt wrong, but it was too dark to see. From this side, the vortex was black, and gave off no light to illuminate the room.
There was a click, and as his eyes adjusted to the brightness, Jack saw the Doctor standing by a door, having turned on a light switch.
"Thanks, Doc, that's better..." Jack's voice trailed off, as it wasn't his voice! The Doctor's eyes opened wide in surprise, too.
"What for?" Romana said, behind Jack.
Jack looked down at himself, or rather, herself! He was a she, a seriously well endowed she, at that! No wonder he had felt unbalanced, he now had breasts, massive ones! They must have been 48D at least! She couldn't see her waist, it felt so small in her hands, and she felt lower. Nope, no penis or anything else, except, Oooohh!
She looked at the Doctor. "Doctor, what has happened to me?"
Behind her, Romana said, "You must have been thinking about whoever she is as you went though the vortex. The vortex's defenses have changed you to this person. It's probably programmed in to confuse the Daleks' enemies."
"Why are you answering my questions, Romana? I was asking the Doctor...oh, no. You've swapped bodies, haven't you?" Jack said as the penny dropped.
"Yes, I'm the Doctor, and Romana is in my body," Romana/Doctor said.
"But...but, but you seem to be taking it so calmly. Does this sort of thing happen to you a lot?"
"Well, not quite like this, but you see, we're from a race of people called Time Lords, and we change bodies as our current ones wear out. Usually WE control the effect and timing, not like this. Our body change is what we call regeneration and normally, we stay the same sex as before, though it has been known to swap sexes from time to time. Doctor, check out my left back pocket, there should be a mirror in there somewhere. Lance might like to see how she looks now," the Doctor/Rowana said, as he walked over to support her.
"Hmmm, do we have time for this?" Romana/Doctor said peevishly. "I suppose if she doesn't, she'll be looking for a mirror to see herself at a bad time. One where she should be watching out for the Ogrons or their masters." She felt about in her pocket as directed, a smile crossing her lovely face from time to time as she brushed some part of her own new body.
"Behave yourself, Doctor," the Doctor/Romana said, "I want my body back in the same condition I left it!"
"You mean we can change back, somehow?" Jack said.
"Well, we should be able to by returning through the vortex, thinking about the person we should be. You see, my last thought was about Romana, following you, whilst hers was agreeing with me. You, on the other hand??????" the Doctor/Romana said.
"Oh, God! Let me see that mirror," Jack said, as Romana/Doctor brought a mirror out of her pocket.
She looked in amazement at the reflection in front of her. She was now quite stunning looking. Her face was definitely female, thick pouty lips, high arched eyebrows and the eyes, she felt she could drown in them, they where so deep. She knew who she was immediately, of course; she had pretty much guessed after the Doctor's explanation. She used the mirror to look below the massive breasts; she was dressed in the trademark grey jumpsuit, tiny waist, complete with utility belt, pistol strapped to her thigh, and her grey overcoat bulging with magazines and hidden extras. It swirled sexily around her curvaceous body as she moved it around. 
'I'm Lara Croft, in the flesh! Thank God I was thinking of the Angelina Jolie version, not the PC game version!'
"Well, have you finished admiring yourself, yet? We need to get on and see about saving your world, yet again!" Romana/Doctor said bad temperedly.
"Oh, absa-fragging-lutely!" Jack found herself saying.
"Now listen, whats-your-name, when we go though this door, I don't know what we'll find, but stay alert, and be ready for anything!" Romana/Doctor started to say.
"Don't worry, Doc, I saw all the programs. So if we are facing Ogrons, then their controllers are going to be Daleks, right? And my name is Ja..., er, LARA. Just call me Lara!" Lara/Jack said.
"Doc? My name is The Doctor, don't call me Doc! Well, you seem to know what we're up against, so let's go. What we need to do is find the control room, destroy that, defend ourselves against any Daleks we meet. Probably have to fight our way back through Daleks and Ogrons and return through the portal BEFORE it closes, once we destroy the controls. Okay, Lara?" Romana/Doctor said.
"Shhh!" whispered the Doctor/Romana by the door. "I think something's coming."
Lara quickly swept her coat clear of her holsters, pulled a pistol free, and with her other hand, slipped a silencer out of its pocket. She hurriedly screwed it onto the barrel of her gun and waited, poised to strike, gun aimed at the doorway.
"Romana, turn the light out, and get clear of the door," she whispered.
"Ohh, aren't you the bossy one." Still, the Doctor/Romana did as Lara said, the room returning to darkness, and his boot steps could just be heard as he moved away from the door.
They waited in the darkness for what seemed like forever, but was in reality only seconds. The door opened silently, sliding into a hidden recess, two hulking, hairy Ogrons silhouetted in the light from the hallway.
As they stepped inside, the door started to close, and Lara squeezed the trigger, a silent triburst taking first one, then a second burst taking the other Ogron down.
They waited a moment, then with a whispered command, the Doctor/Romana moved back to the doorway and turned on the light. Lara knelt easily in this new body, Jack's old injuries long gone, to check the Ogrons' pulses, nothing. They where quite dead. Lara and the Doctor/Romana pulled them out of the way of the door, hiding them in the darkness behind the vortex.
"Okay, let's go save the planet! I've always wanted to say that!" Lara said.
Turning the light out again, they moved to the door which again, silently slid into the wall. Lara peeked along the wall to her left, then to the right, all clear. She stepped out and kept watch as the other two exited the room.
"Which way, Doc?" Lara asked.
"Let's try to the right, and hope it is. And don't call me Doc!" Romana/Doctor said peevishly.
Romana, in the Doctor's body, stifled a giggle as the Doctor's own tactics were thrown back at him by the transformed human.
With Lara leading the way, the Doctor in Romana's body following and with Romana in the Doctor's body last, things looked weird enough for a Sixties TV Show, then they got weirder!
"HALT! MOVE AND YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!" a metallic voice rang out from behind them.
The trio turned, almost as one, to see a grey Dalek maneuvering around a corner at the end of the hall.
"Lara," the Doctor and Romana both said together, "aim for the eye stalk, then about two feet off the floor!" Then they both dropped to the floor, giving Lara a clear field of fire.
As instructed, she aimed for the eyestalk. Her first triburst shattered it, blinding the Dalek. As it started to call for help, she switched to full auto and held the trigger down, aiming at the position that her two companions had specified.
The gun rapidly emptied itself, and whilst the first few bullets simply flattened on the Dalek's casing, the majority of them penetrated, causing a small explosion, cracking the casing and killing the obscene creature inside.
Lara released the trigger, automatically releasing the clip with her gun hand, a new clip already rising in her other to engage smoothly, recharging the gun ready for its next use.
"Oh, my God, it really is a Dalek! A real one. Oh, my God!" Lara could not believe it all. Even after what had happened to her, she still was having trouble comprehending it all.
"Well, it's good to know that your gun can kill a Dalek, not much can do that. The last time we fought the Daleks on your planet, it took a whole troop of UNIT Soldiers with Antitank weapons to do that," the Doctor/Romana said.
"Ah, but don't forget, that was in the Sixties, we humans have come a long way with improving our armaments," Lara said.
Both the Time Lords had to agree sadly with Lara's comments.
"Let's move on, that Dalek may have managed to get a warning off. Let's try the way it came from, we may get lucky."
The trio moved off down the hallway, checking for more Daleks or Ogrons as they went. As they passed the smoking remains of the Dalek, Lara couldn't resist looking inside the exposed casing, and promptly wished she hadn't. She gulped a couple of times, trying to settle her stomach, then gave up the effort and retched and vomited over the contents of the casing. It didn't make much difference, she decided, as she wiped her mouth on the back of her sleeve.
"Down here," the Doctor/Romana said, "there's a glass door with some computers, and Daleks working on them."
"There's too many for me to take them all out quickly, or quietly for that matter, not with just a couple of guns," Lara said. "Let me see if I've got anything else of more use in this coat." She checked the various pockets in her voluminous coat, finally coming up with a couple of TDX grenades.
"Wow, if these work as 'R' promised, we should have a chance. He said that they would explode horizontally, so should cut through most materials. All I have to do is set the height off the floor I want them to explode at, press this button and toss them. Then two seconds later, BOOM!" Lara said to the Doctor, or was it Romana?
"Fine, set them for two feet. When you're ready, we'll open the door and you toss them in. Then we duck, okay?" Romana/Doctor said.
"Actually, I suggest we drop to the floor, then get ready to mop up any that the grenades miss. Okay, open it!"
The Doctor/Romana waved his hand over the opening panel, and Lara pressed the activate button on both TDX grenades, then threw them inside. The door closed as the three dropped to the floor. Moments later, the floor shook with the force of the explosions, and plaster dust showered onto them.
Lara jumped up, her breasts bouncing with the effort. In the back of her mind, Lara tried to enjoy the sensation, but she was too psyched up with adrenaline, and got her hands around the now warped door and pulled.
She looked in as the door opened enough for her to squeeze in; not a Dalek was still intact. There were a few Ogrons scattered around the room, literally! All over the walls.
"The vortex controls have been destroyed, the vortex will be destabilizing shortly. We need to get back through to your own planet and time, not to mention our own bodies," the Doctor/Romana said as Romana/Doctor heard heavy footsteps approaching from down the hall.
"I'll lead," said Lara, as she flung herself out of the door to land on the floor, looking up at a group of four surprised Ogrons clumping down the hallway to see what the noise was.
'Like shooting fish in a Shooting Gallery' she thought, as she opened fire on the bunched up Ogrons. They didn't stand a chance against Lara Croft, even one that only hours ago had been a highly trained (male) MI5 operative. By the time her gun was empty, the Ogrons were dead and the only one which got a shot off had fired so high, the scorch mark on the wall was above Lara's head, even had she being standing.
"Okay, Doc, Romana, let's move it. The way's clear for now," Lara commanded, as she got to her feet.
The threesome hurried back up the hallway to the room where they had come though the vortex. Opening the door, they found the vortex starting to destabilize and flicker.
"Quickly now," the Doctor/Romana said. "Think of who you should be, and jump through. Remember to look out for any Ogrons still on the other side, you'll need to deal with them when we return."
"Okay, Doc, go, I'll cover you both, then follow."
"I am the Doctor," Romana said, as she stepped through and disappeared.
"I am Romana," the Doctor said, as he stepped through and likewise disappeared.
The vortex started to whirl faster; it looked like time was running out for Lara...Jack, to make it back.
Lara stepped back, tensed herself and, taking a run and jumping into the vortex, said, "I am..."
---------------------------------------
The three landed back in the wrecked canteen of the store, one after another. The Doctor caught Romana as she came through.
"Thank you, Doctor."
"My pleasure, Romana. Now, where is what's his name?"
"I don't know, I hope he hurries, the vortex won't last much longer, and I think I can hear an Ogron approaching," she said worriedly.
The vortex was almost gone now, then an Ogron appeared in the doorway, its plasma gun aimed at the Doctor. Its stumpy digit pressed down on the activator, then released as the Ogron was thrown backwards by an almost silent burst of bullets entering its head.
"Oh, well timed, young man," the Doctor said, he turned to greet Jack, only to find Lara standing in front of him, her coat swirling in the last gusts of wind from the vortex.
"What?" Romana said. "Oh, Jack, you must have left it too late, the vortex must have been too weak to change you back by the time you came through. Oh, I am sorry."
"Don't be, Romana, this is how I want to be. When I came back, I thought of Lara Croft, not my old self. This is exactly how I want to be, superfit, well endowed, and definitely female," Lara corrected her.
"You would not believe the ribbing I took from the department when I joined, imagine, an actual British Secret Agent called Bond! Who knows, looking like this, I might even get asked for Angelina Jolie's autograph. Wouldn't that be cool!"
"Now, let's go clean up the rest of the Ogrons!" Suiting words to actions, Lara Croft strode out of the room, and very quickly, the two Time Lords could hear her guns, now unsilenced, dealing with the remaining Ogrons.
"Well, Doctor, did you see that coming? I thought he would return to his old self," Romana asked.
"Why should he, we both decided not to swap at the last minute, either, didn't we?" the Doctor asked, as she raised her exquisite eyebrow at her old body.
The end.
